The Ultimate Nightmare
by Cory on November 23, 2016 9:50 AM (Edited March 31, 2017 9:53 PM)
Sometimes when you sleep, you dream about being late for class, or being out in public without any pants. Other times, Scary Terry comes along and calls you a bitch and you just gotta run and hide. And every so often, you have one of the most pants shittingly horrible dreams ever. If I had to guess, you would probably be thinking about something terrifying like getting into a gun fight, or running away from monsters, being abducted by aliens, or trying to get into the last spaceship before the world explodes, etc.
Apparently, my last nightmare is being stuck in my house with my parents. It's made me realize what a new level of terror that is...
I don't remember the events that led up to this shit show du jour, but the dream begins with me sitting on the couch getting nagged at by the Queen herself. Apparently, I've been looking at naughty websites and that's a no no. She's asking me why I would do something like that and if I know that it's bad. Eventually, her interrogation leads back months and months to things that I did wrong and unrelated things that people have said to me incidentally or through email and how they connect to form one elaborate plan to screw my parents over somehow by looking at porn. Oh god, I have no words. I'm thinking futile-ly about how to explain that all this stuff I don't even remember happening has nothing to do with me looking at porn.
I just flip shit at this point and start punching the walls and random pieces of furniture. Somehow I find some scissors and use it to break the glass on the cupboard door, leaving shattered glass all over the floor and my mom just goes back to the royal chambers to just lie in bed and turn her brain off now that she's done nagging. I remember locking myself in the bathroom and punching the door from the inside and punching the mirror. I'm scaring myself with how angry I am right now.
Ok, and this is where it gets a little more weird. I'm suddenly walking down a dark street and it's crowded with people also walking in the same direction. I think we're like walking to a basketball game or something and then we pass this shady looking dude in a down jacket who's just bumping into everybody. I realize at the last minute that he's pickpocketing people when he bumps into the person in front of me and has his hands all over him. I bump into this guy next and he pushes my arm aside and grabs the bunch of coins I suddenly have in my pocket. I yell "dude" and that just makes him bump into me a second time and steal the rest of my coins. I don't even feel his hand in my pocket. Suddenly, my perspective shifts from being that person, to watching television of this happening to someone else. I guess I was watching a movie to cool off? Just then, Kurt Russell shows up and blocks that pickpocket dude and I can see him choking bandit dude out like a motherfucker. I'm watching this from my bedroom (I've never had a tv in my bedroom, I don't know), and it feels good watching this happen. Way too good, like I'm eating the best steak in the world good. It's disturbing.
After a while, the Parsnip Baron himself comes upstairs from his man cave. He's taking a break from working on whatever he's doing down there, making wood cabinets or something. I can hear him talking to my mom and then I see him out the door cleaning up some glass shards on the floor. I brace myself.
He comes in with a bunch of papers and he's being weirdly nice. This doesn't happen often, but you know some shit's going down because he's trying the nice guy route. He says, "taking a break today, aren't you?", and hands me a bunch of papers. I pretend to be still really angry and I rip the papers in two and start yelling. You know, bluh bluh, and all that. He still trying to be nice but I can tell by the way his voice is straining and his clenched teeth that he's on the verge of smacking my shit.
At that point, I think I'm starting to freak out and think about escape plans. I'm thinking, man I should go rent another apartment somewhere, but I'm wondering if it's still too close, like what if I run into them if I'm out at the mall or something? I should relocate but then I would have to find another job I guess. What a pain. And don't forget it's the holidays so I don't think I could find someone to sign a lease on this short notice. Next, I'm going through a list of the nearest hotels I could stay at for the next couple of weeks until I search like I'm going into hobo mode again.
Apparently, in my dream I started talking to my parents again a while back and then they asked me if they could move in with me over in California. I said yes, because in this dream I am a gigantic fucking idiot and then they ended up buying a new house just for this that we were in. I woke up at that point and thank god holy baby jesus. I'm not trapped and getting pwned. It's Wednesday and I"m peacefully alone in my apartment and Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
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